Sunday, November 19, 2006
Fears and doubts
sigh.today and yesterday.got baq at onli 12.why? stupid ushering duty when i should be at JYC. the fellowship of my brothers and sisters in Christ. jus found out.Elisa hoping that my shadow is seen there. haha. updating at 3.why? up reflecting. bout life. bout her. bout me. bout everything.life. is it possible without love? without her?her. is it whole. will it heal with time? will our love stand strong? will it overcome the odds when it needs to or when they arrive? without a doubt, they will come. a matter of how and when. no matter what.i dont know. *sigh*. bout me. am i who i am? am i who i say i am? am i supposed to show my real self? the side which i have hidden. not the ones that i have told her? i really have no intention of showing it. bout pb.should i really continue? yea. sure i felt good when my prefects got complimented that their ushering was good. indefinitly, it is thanks to my courses. but is it really worth my time? the moment of happiness for an eternity of suffering in exchange? bout the company. should i lay back? my fear is coming true. seet ing hian. am i turning into him like zhen jie said? a light of salvation. i have fun and be firm at the same time. like whet the others said too. i am not really like him. i have fun when we are supposed to. when the shit hits the fan cus of that, i take the rap for my boys. when i am serious, i am. reflecting on the board camp. what khuhan said. is there a way. a soft approach which the council approached after the "revolution"?should i use the soft approach onli.no.it works with DISCIPLINED ppl. the ones who are supposed to be prefects. i can safely say even my bb boys and any uyo boy is more disciplined and commands more respect then our prefects. My love for bb. will it be my downfall? what my mom says. i am smittened to her. according to her "wisdom", it will be my downfall.leaving me hurt and in the "gallows". will that prophesy come true? i hope not. to have to hold and to give.my motto for her. can i keep to that? can i match up to her ex(s)? i fear not. not as mature as them. not as good as them. should my sweetheart read this, well.hope not.if she does..then..well.lets take things one step at a time then. all the things loming around me. work load, stress, bb, pb, her. how am i to keep her happi and satisfied while juggling with the rest? note that shes at the top of my list. how am i to do that? a higher power i will consult. my peers i shall consider. my juniors i shall confide. my baby i shall mask.but. will she be able to see me through?with the lame jokes coming out to let me dwell in my fantasy world to hide the truth.will she be able to see through that? will she analayze me like her lit text as she does to others? despite me being hers?will the fear of her leaving or cheating on me return once again? i have my reasons to believe that its back. with the revelations slowly inching in on me with every late night phone call. will the frail, weak and currently over worked me break down and request for a break with her?as in a pause and not break up? once again, i hope my baby does not read this.with the flu incubating in me. will i still be able to take it all? baby. please stay by me? be with me through out and not leave me?love me and care for me in your tender arms? you have no idea how much your arms around me mean to me. baby.dont leave me?
*fearful, shaken, sick, over-worked,stressed, tired and love sick boy to my sweet baby*
ps.i love you darling.*the randomness coming out*really cant do without you. that still stands?
I went off at
3:26 AM
