Wednesday, September 23, 2009
well.its been way too long since i last blogged =/ no time i guess. anyways. lots has been happening around here already.
wallaby's a month away. and its for a period of what.3 weeks? and only God knows what will happen in that time. matters of the heart is the worst to think about and yet you cant do without them, evil world eh?
This question has been lingering on my mind for the longest time. Am I too protective of those i love? Regardless of the kind of love we share? Is that a bad thing? is that good? should i continue what i'm doing? is the vibes i'm giving off the right kind of vibes i want others to feel?
and why must everyone put up a false front? and yes you guys know who i am talking about. at times.i think that i just worry too much. why should i care? everyone just takes it the wrong way, and everyone ends up hurt.
Why should i care about you when all you do is just put me down? and yet i still care for you? i'm quite sure you dont know that i even exist anymore. the words you say. the smiles you put and laughter you project. is that your real emotions? everytime i see your name appear, i get a myraid of emotions. Happy-sad, bitter-sweet kind of a feeling. sure. you say these things behind your phone but in person?i dont know what to say or do. honestly.
That was part 1,sadly.
We knew each other for the longest time. and know you turn behind and do this? i mean.come on. the 3 letter word hangs on your your mouth, and yet you do things that are not at all befitting the word.ya sure. you have a priamry weapon and side arm. ever occured to yiou that you will only be using 1 at any given time? you may not even need your side arm if you are good enough. if you cant make up your mind, dont even draw your weapon. please dont make me do what i dont want to do. lest we become enemies and others get hurt in the process. lets all hope then when army comes knocking on our door, we'll all wake up. God speed my friend.
and thats part 2.
I have only what.10 months left? this time last year i was only in OETI starting my training. i've had 14 months since BMT. i'm so looking forward to my ORD. then i'm free. to do whatever i want, when i want. but now the thing is. where am i going? Poly or overseas? there are the pros and cons, as always. if i do poly. i will only spend 1 year overseas. and that will lead me to the question. will i be staying there to work givent he leaps an bounds over the welfare and quality of life there? and am i willing to uproot myself from this place to stay there? i mean. i already have a.no.2 relatives who went there and decided to come back despite the greener grass on the other side.
and the other thing. target in sight. Locked and loaded, awaiting order to fire. should i take the shot? should i be selfish and squeeze the hair pin trigger or hang back and analyze before taking the shot? i mean. its not a fire and forget. i'll be here for another 4 years, 3 years guaranteed. and this will link me back to the first section of my country of residence.sigh. why must it be so complicated? she has a much brighter future ahead of her. and she can get a much better person compared to me. Seriously. I seriously doubt i'm ever good enough for anyone. and yet..
The past catches up with me. looking back.it was always my fault. they say history repeats itself. Once bitten, twice shy. but then again. Failure is an event, not a person. or is it? i dare not take your heart for the fear of breaking it.
God help me.
I went off at
7:43 PM
